You know, Giovanni is a very demanding boss, and in a similar way the work of Team Rocket is very demanding. Then again, it’s true to say that crime is a very demanding mistress. Okay, so my similes, metaphors, whatever you call them are ludicrously tangled at this point. The honest truth was that Jessie and James, two of the worst possible entertainers in the business (if I said THE worst, Harry Potter would be an exception), were getting fed up with the work they had been doing. Meowth was actually reviewing the situation at the time. He had recently read a book about how to know what to do career-wise.

“You know,” he began, “I don’t think this job is really worth it. They say that our fee is proportional to our turn-out, which means in the average month our turnout is- um… what’s P10, 000 times nothing?” He chuckled at this thought. He liked to rub it in.

“You know, Meowth, it’s split three ways, so you get- um… what’s nothing divided by three?” commented Jessie. Both her and James laughed at the thought of this. But it was at that point they realised they too had the same poor pay. It was not much later that they realised that being in trouble with the law as not worth it for zero a month. They subsequently considered quitting.

“QUIT? You can’t just QUIT!” yelled Meowth.

“Why not?” was the simultaneous response from the dumber and dumbest of the dumb and dumber and dumbest trio that we know as Team Rocket (a term that in reality referred to an entire criminal empire).

“Have you no sense of pride, of self-respect, of decency?” He was followed by two rather curious stares. He felt like they knew it. THEY KNEW WHAT HE DID LAST SUMMER… Oh wait, no one knew that. THEY KNEW WHAT HE REALLY MEANT!

“Oh alright, so it’s cause we know to much and we could call the feds.”

They then formed a unanimous agreement to simply run away. They started committing the weirdest crime of all. They started- DOING TWO JOBS AT ONCE! Yes, it doesn’t make sense for that to be criminal. Anyway, they went to work in a restaurant. Actually they had even greater tricks up their sleeve. They nicked as much food as they could from the restaurant, and the plan was to sell it at their own stall, thus earning a third income source. The idea was that by doing this they would not only have no need to buy food, but would make money out of the requirements of others. They were planning to accelerate the saving process and thus eventually have enough money to start their own restaurant.

But it wasn’t easy. For a start, for it to work they had to charge less than the restaurant, so they were limited in how much they could earn. Secondly, there was to be no chance of anyone recognising they used recipes identical to the restaurant. Thirdly, both in the restaurant and at their stall they needed disguises. They were wanted criminals you know! Fourth they had to take it in turns to go to the restaurant, while the other managed the stall. Meowth devised the scheme of swallowing a bag, but still having the open end in his paws, and stuffing as much as he could in. He therefore had the ability to conceal food without digestion or the need for clothes to give him pockets. He was, after all, only a cat. But while concealing represented a problem, the biggest was both feeding themselves and pinching confectionaries for their stall. They stuffed themselves at the restaurant as well as stealing food to sell, and they didn’t need ANY food outside of it.

But when there is so much food, and no limitations, it is possible to overindulge. In fact, it is near impossible. In the case of Meowth, however, gluttony was out of the question; all the room in his stomach was taking up by a plastic bin liner. Besides, for animals it is rare that they go beyond the bare essentials. Furthermore, James had always been wealthy, and had had no limits on what he could eat as a child. But he had learned from experience precisely how much to eat, and how to resist going further. No such luck for Jessie. She had had a poverty-stricken childhood, and so whenever it was possible overindulgence was her middle name! Despite the female fear of any flesh at all on bones, she ate and ate. She was well aware she wasn’t getting a man anyway.

So over the weeks she gained and gained. Dress sizes were passed off as if her waist and hips were both running in a race. Every day, she became more and more accustomed to overindulgence, and every day she ate more than on the previous day; in fact the difference was clearly observable, and she seemed to make a conscious effort to keep it that way. On the first day she ate the equivalent of ten three-course meals, and that quickly rose. It took three months for the moneymaking scam to move on to the next stage of running their own restaurant. Jessie didn’t stop indulging then. She was 300lbs on the opening day, although I suppose the exact value depended on what time of day; for she may have gained a few pounds that day. The weight gain became more and more rapid.

A few of our more acute readers may have noticed that, when they had been working, they could only work once every two days. Both Meowth and James made allowances for this, but they were sensible allowances, and they surprisingly avoided weight gain. Not so much in Jessie’s case. Having gone hungry for a day, she really lashed out. When they finally began their own business, she had to be careful not to cripple her business. Fortunately, their crippling of the business they had previously worked at meant that it was no longer competition; in fact there was none. They were earning so highly she now bought food; it was cheaper than the food at her restaurant, so the cost was lower. This meant that the weight gain didn’t slow. Indeed if anything it became faster, and I’m sure it did…

The nearest Pokémon Centre had once been run by two Joys for a short while. That was no longer the case; in fact in the past year or so it had had some problems with its staff. Some serious thoughts had been made towards the unhappy topic of its closure. Few wanted this, because the nearest other centre was so far away that this would be devastating for all trainers in the region, both local and tourists. The fact that they were the only centre for miles around world perplex most when you consider that they were in a major commercial area. But the simple truth was that medicine had been neglected for almost a decade by a poorly appointed and more poorly still re-elected local government. Now things were going from bad to worse. The centre was also in poor renovation. If work was not done immediately, then closure would be the only option; not only was the centre poorly looked after, but because of the many visitors to the area it was a great drain on public resources, at least in economic terms. The wealthiest equatorial province of the sovereign was a stone that would not bleed even the slightest of its capital on the subject. But for the moment, let me draw your attention to how this had come to be…

The first problem had occurred long ago, in the days when even the Nintendo 64 did not exist. Political crises with the Indigo Plateau as their epicentre were posing a serious risk of the collapse of the union between the Johto and Kanto regions, mostly due to the Houen area (where recently yet another 100 pokémon had been discovered, which had actually perhaps been the real start). To prevent civil war, the Johto region was forced to offer a treaty, and that they had done. This was to be offered from the controllers of the Johtian budget, Goldenrod City. They unfortunately chose to decrease their investments in medicine. But 5the faulty equipment with which their centre was left caused quite a lot of injuries on the job, and eventually the first in command was affected.

This led to what I told you about.

It was an unusual situation, but the senior Joy had injured her back, and needed help around the hospital. She had almost been laid off. Luckily, her daughter was wiling to help without pay, so both of them managed to work there without increased cost to the Health Service. You would eJabedin it would be the one who had broken her back who would be more susceptible to weight gain, wouldn’t you? But she was wise, and she took care of her diet. Her daughter, however, was anything but careful in eating patterns. She was one of those people who always said it was glandular. Her mother wasn’t eating as much as she used to; she had lost her appetite. The young Joy didn’t like to waste good food, so she finished it her self. She would go to any lengths for food. She once risked crushing her hand to get a large number of chocolate bars. Food was starting to control her. But there was no one to whom she could turn who wouldn’t tell her mother. She became depressed, and began to comfort-eat. We all know the vicious cycle. You gain weight, get more upset, eat more, get fatter still, and so on. That was happening to her.

Her mother wasn’t easily fooled. She soon noticed the changes. Eventually the younger Joy became too ill to work. They were both out of a job, because her mother needed to find an assistant who didn’t mind the fact that the Health service wouldn’t be able to pay him or her. No such person materialised. Furthermore, her back problems worsened, and she soon went to hospital. Things went from bad to worse. Finally, it was decide she would have to spend at least a year in the hospital. Young Joy was very upset about all that happened to her mother. If only she had been more sensible her mother would still be in work. But because things all took a turn for the worse after they were both laid off, she blamed her self for the hospitalisation too. She got over her sadness the only way she knew…

She gained weight at such a rate that it made one think it would be wise to have the laws of physics revised. She weighed about 400 lbs when she met the guy of her dreams, a youth named Colin. He was a fine, tall stallion of a man, and he did not possess the traditional prejudices held commonly against overweight individuals. He took her out a lot, and made her feel happy. They went to all the finest restaurants, and I think you can guess what effect that had on Newton’s third law of motion, as well as Einstein’s general and special theories of relativity. Furthermore, her mother made a surprisingly quick recovery not long after she had met Colin, and she was quickly out of hospital; in fact she was back on her feet, and her back pains stopped irresolute. Junior Joy (to coin a suitable phrase) couldn’t be happier now, but she didn’t stop comfort eating. Instead she celebrated. Food had not failed her in the past, and she had such unforgivable faith in empiricism as to make her confident this pattern would persist. She certainly wouldn’t let it stop without a fight. She enjoyed eating. A more intelligent girl would have realised that they should not continue in bingeing if it has come to be inductively associated with an indication of melancholy or even something nearer remorse, but as I have said she was very foolish. Because of the typical “opposites attract” (which I had previously believed applied only to magnets and electrical currents but perhaps from this evidence does so to people just as much) axiom upon which our universe is based, she came to know the almost prodigal and in any case intellectual Colin rather than, say, Ash Ketchum…

Talking of him brings me on to the next part of the story. Ash Ketchum (as you should know) was a trainer born in the Kanto league. He had toured a number of leagues, although they were not precisely to avail. He was hoping to become the greatest pokémon master who ever lived, quite a difficult task. First he needed to emerge unquestionably victorious as the champion in some official annual league one year, so as to be what is termed a pokémon master. Next a victory against every other master in the world was necessary. Although there were only a few hundred (at the most thousand) masters in the world, this title had never actually been claimed. Even after the introduction of the United Nations almost halfway through the twentieth century, negotiations between nations had still not made it a realistic target. Verification of each victory was necessary. That required international communications on a political basis, and it was still not feasible. The recent crisis in the Houen, Johto and Kanto was a good example.

I’m not going to actually explain who Brock and Misty were- where have YOU been? But what I will tell you is that Misty was a big eater- in more ways than one. It all started shortly after Goldenrod’s foolish changes to its health service. The Republic rejoiced when they heard about how their nation had been saved, and many were confident enough to spend in a bizarrely exaggerated fashion. There was an enormous boom for the economy, and to avoid inflation the government of the Republic sensibly invested the extra money in food. But because they were part of Japan an obesity epidemic was out of the question, and to compensate with this revolution in their diet many people also went to the gym. All but the laziest realised that it was sort of fun. The economy was boosted again, although this time only in one sector, so there was no danger of inflation. But it didn’t change the fact that there was a lot more food out there for the gluttonous.

One of the people who took advantage of this was Ash. He and his friends were always on some pilgrim or another of his mission to be a master, so they tended to get quite hungry. Ash encouraged Misty to eat more than she was naturally used to. But unfortunately there was a problem…

There is a very rare gene that occurred in some of the founding members of Cerulean City. It caused addictive gluttony with the right encouragement. It is no wonder that exercise became a staple part of Cerulean life, and fortunately for them their high-fish diet (due to their seaside location) was also beneficial to their metabolism and weight maintenance in general. But food was still traditionally restricted in Cerulean City. But ever since Misty had left that place, the pressure that she had never fully understood was gone.

Misty was in the bad ancestral line, and her gene was so powerful she went from a slim girl who ate to live to a colossal tub of lard who lived to eat. She soon became a great threat to chefs everywhere who advertised “All You can eat” buffets. She never actually did find the buffets lived up to this claim. On every occasion the restaurants begged her to ignore the offer and settle for a mere (however many courses she would have had at the end of the one she was currently working on) courses. Maybe that would have been easy with algebra? Well in any case the arithmetic mean was 37.4 dishes per buffet. Some cruelly only allowed her to have as few as twenty-five, whilst others were foolish enough to allow her to continue as far as fifty. Those were the ones who not much later went out of business. At the other end of the spectrum were the money-tight ones who made Ebenezer Scrooge (before) look like Ebenezer Scrooge (after)- if that is possible. But at least they stayed in business- well, a couple of months longer anyway.

But whoever you were, if you offered unlimited quantities of food or drink (or both), she was a kind of Public Enemy Number One. She traditionally tried every single dish she liked until there were none left to try (in which case she started over), she was chucked out or she became too full to continue (well theoretically, but as I have explained it never happened in practice), whichever occurred first. Depending upon the manager, it was one of the first two, never the last. I hope that’s quite clear; I‘ve said enough times she never got her fill. Although she made accurate mental notes of the best restaurants, she still felt dissatisfied, partly because she was usually spotted on site after the first few occasions. Once her life had been threatened, lest she keep away. She couldn’t even solve the problem by visiting multiple places in succession. She ended up going on a tour of the whole region, and that became more dominating as to where they all went than Ash’s quest had ever been before- except that one time when… No, I was right the first time.

She became quite depressed by her emptiness, and I bet you can guess what she did about that. Just to show my full faith in you, you only get one guess. Well done! Sorry, is this story too interactive?

Her weight went up and up and up! I’ll save the stats to later, but just let me clear my throat… cough 500 lbs cough.

Now for part four of this intricate tale…

Eventually, they arrived in Goldenrod City. They happened to check in to the Pokémon Centre, for obvious reasons. It seemed to be a lot worse off than other centres, and certainly quite deprived for an area in Goldenrod City. It was shocking. Misty, about the size of a Mini (although the precise comparison and which was larger is still open to debate), approached one of the people in the Centre. It was a fine, tall stallion of a man!

“Excuse me,” she began, “but why is this centre so poorly looked after? And where is Nurse Joy?” The man was taken aback. This creature was obviously not from around here.

“There ain’t been a Nurse Joy in this centre for about a year now!” he replied. “Not since she broke her back and her daughter followed suit.”

“But who runs the place?”

“Anyone and no one.” Misty gazed at him in stupefied amazement. It seemed unusual to think that this really was happening, but it was.

“This place is gonna get shut down soon, you mark my words!” he said. “This is the most run down part of the whole city. There are rumours that they’re thinking of blowing the place up with dynamite, but if you ask me they’ll probably just sell the site to some one who wants to produce some low-quality shop. No one cares about paying for this place any more, not even for its demolition.” Misty felt a little disconcerted by this. She approached the desk of the Centre.

“I’d like to apply to work here…” she said. She was met with a belting laugh.

“Wait a minute- you actually WANT to work at this dump?” She began to hesitate. “Hey, everybody! Here’s someone who WANTS to work!” The guffaws became epidemic, and their scale was individually planetary but together astronomical. Thus it was the case that Misty almost gave up, but not quite.

“What are you all doing here then?”

“Taking an alternative to a life sentence! Paying your debt to society is sure awful work. That’s the last time I marry a rich gal and kill her to get money in her will.”

“Now now, don’t scare the people who are here just to get some service from you lot of disgraces to society,” said a voice from somewhere. A few minutes later there were blood-curdling screams. Nevertheless she did enrol and took over the place. It was a bit later that day that the whole gang visited a nearby restaurant, called Big Fat Mama’s. It was advertising an all you can eat buffet. That was a bad move considering who was in the area, but the owners, Jessie and James, were not to know that. Misty seemed to inhale food as it came into a close radius. Her mouth was like a black hole; if something edible got within a metre, it vanished at the speed of light. Whole pounds of steak, whole gallons of ice cream, whole grogs of juice, whole steam-trays of full of al sorts of things- all of these vanished without a trace. The restaurant was almost out of food and she showed no signs of abating. You can understand that this issue concerned Team Rocket, and they would certainly have approached her much sooner were it not for the fact that they were too afraid of being recognised. In the end, Misty went up to collect just a bit more, when she noticed that there was nothing left. Cheers and applaud came from a crowd that had grown after the first steam tray.

Colin was also in the buffet with his girlfriend, Joy. In truth he did have weight prejudices; he preferred obese girls. Don’t ask me why! I said DON’T! Colin observed the bottomless pit, or rather the girl that housed it. He analysed her from top to bottom- and then from bottom to feet! Two voluptuous breasts together constituted a far more than ample bosom. Her buttocks were absolutely gigantic; there was no denying the fact that each was twice as wide as the chairs available for seating in the restaurant. Her stomach stretched out forwards so far it overhung her Jotunn jeans a whole metre in front of them; and the fat around her waist piled up so much that she was almost a perfect cube. He could tell she was very heavy. He had never seen anyone’s weights crush a chair faster than that. He was beginning to wonder whether this one he had seen earlier was better than his girlfriend.

“What are you staring at?”

“What? Oh nothing!” he said lying through his teeth.

Had Ash been aware of what was going on, he would feel a lot like Joy did. For example, were he to be aware of Colin’s polygamist tendencies, he would have been protective of his love for Misty and of her love for him. Rather than this being down to bravery, however, it was more a case of reckless stupidity. Imagine, if you will, the case as it might have been. Some say that Ash would have beaten up Colin good and proper. Others say that he would have been the one who came out worse at the end of the fight. There are even debates as to who started it and so on, or rather who would have. Some further experts in psychology suggest that violence would not even come into it; ash, however stupid he is, has bravery only in the battles of the pokémon sports, and when it came to causing suffering it was both ethically and physically challenging for him to make such an achievement. But as it is, we’ll never know. Ash as I have said is stupid rather than brave, and furthermore he is stupid rather than observant. Detecting ogling was beyond his capabilities. But what is important to realise is that Misty had not received ogling before. This seems strange, for hang her hair down and you have the most beautiful redhead Botticelli could ever have imagined. But of course, few guys like redheads. Furthermore, since she had begun to gain weight, even fewer guys would have even looked at her. But every minority is eventually met; it’s a small world.

Later that day Colin and Joy happened to meet Ash, Misty and Brock. It was in National Park, on the outskirts of Goldenrod City. It was considered by some to be providential, but no one had ever properly established its classification. All that was certain was that this time Colin wasn’t going to get away with a quite twisted form of ogling. It has been said (proverbially) that: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. This is similar to Once bitten twice shy. Even if you don’t work very well with metaphors and so forth, you can probably guess what I mean. While it is possible to get away with ogling in the seclusion of a restaurant where views are blocked by a variety of objects, this is not possible in a spacious park. For this reason Joy did detect what he did on this occasion. He received a bloodthirsty whack on the face, almost knocking a tooth out.

“You were looking at her in the restaurant at lunchtime, weren’t you?” she yelled. Colin was in an impossible position. To tell the truth was suicide, but then again she would never be fooled by lies, and that meant she’d really hate him after she figured out he was lying. He hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. He just had the characteristic row you always get in relationships. It wasn’t until a few days later that Joy had cooled down enough for him to have another chance at the relationship. In the meantime Joy had gone through one of those weird stages in life where you find yourself talking to someone who words in a pub- well, somewhere you can get your money wasted on several drinks anyway. She went into Big Fat Mama’s and conversed (sadly) with Jessie. She came to the conclusion that she would have to talk to this girl, and through a bit of research found out that Colin had met her when she enrolled at the Centre. She therefore visited Misty and got to know her. She eventually forgave Colin solely because there was NO way she would have a chance with anyone else.

It wasn’t until she did give Colin another chance that she went to the park again. This time was on a public holiday. Even Team Rocket weren’t willing to work then, or rather neither James nor Meowth were, so they all ended up going to the park. It was not as if Jessie had anything better to do. They chose the park because it was the most popular site on bank holidays for pokémon trainers (there were a lot of bug pokémon there); they had not quit, and their instincts kicked in. But Misty also wanted to go there to smell the flowers; admittedly it wasn’t the only activity she had planned for the day, but by some weird coincidence all three female tubs of lard met. (Ash and Brock went to those parts with fewer flowers and more bugs, which the entemophobic Misty could not approach.) Colin was at unease. He knew there was no chance this time; he had to preserve monogamy. In panic, he just fainted. Yeah I know, it’s not what you eJabedin, but it happens. What you must remember is that as much as we wish to hold to stereotypes there are exceptions; no matter how much we wish to suffer from the delusion that men won’t cry if their limbs are being crushed, that theory quickly caves in on its own. Joy was nevertheless shocked. She approached Misty, who as I have said she had already met, and keeping in mind the necessity for politeness she suppressed her anger- which was for Colin and Colin alone.

“Hi Misty!” she said.

“What’s the matter with Colin?” Misty asked (Joy had already made her love life a well-known set of facts to Misty when she had first encountered her in the Centre).

“I’m not sure. You know Misty, I think Colin is attracted to us both SO MUCH that we just can’t go on like this. He needs to choose between us, and live by his decision!”

But Misty was certainly not after Colin. If Colin chose her, she’d just let me down (or dump him), with perhaps some reference to the fact that she already loved Ash (or maybe she could just dump him). Well, she might as well just agree; if Colin didn’t get all of this off his chest, things would certainly get very unusual. So she agreed to Joy’s idea. They awoke Colin, and managed to draw out of him the truth: he wanted the fattest girl he could get. It makes little sense, but it was his choice, and it meant better fish in the sea for the rest of us. Well, not that I have prejudice against the overweight, but – anyway on to some more about Ash!

He was even less likely to find out this time than the last. He wasn’t in the same place, and it’s not the kind of thing Misty would confess to. Of course I’ve already explained what he would do if he knew about Colin, but how he would react to what happened next is something different. He’d be both shocked and find it funny! Read on to see why …

Anyway, that was certainly where the part of this story that was the true farce began. They chose to measure their weight. But that required very special scales, and there was only one person in the town with scales that could weigh either Misty or Joy. That led them to Jessie.

“We couldn’t possibly use your scales, could we?” they whispered. They couldn’t very well say that out loud in the restaurant, but they could whisper.

“Why?” Jessie returned, perhaps in an even softer whisper. I think that they started competing to see who could whisper most quietly, so they kept getting quieter and quieter.

“We want to know which of us is heaviest…”

“That’ll be me!” exclaimed Jessie, although at that volume that was comparable to the tick of a wristwatch, maybe “exclaimed” is the wrong word. Neither Misty nor Joy liked this. They had grown proud of their corpulence, and they defended it at all costs.

“Prove it!” they whispered, now even quieter still.

That led to them going out of the section that was the restaurant and into Jessie’s living quarters. Misty wouldn’t have liked it had she known Jessie (now sporting a better haircut) was in company of Team Rocket; nor would Joy have liked to know that Jessie (of whom, unlike Misty, she knew the name) was a criminal (something Misty knew). Jessie showed two sets of scales.

“Put one foot one each and add the totals,” came the instruction from the huge female chef; she made the Vicar of Dibley look like Victoria Beckham.

Joy went first. The scales, had they been animate, would have felt a huge crush at this point. The red pointers on both that indicated a weight on the scoreboard ran forward with all their might, trying with all their strength to keep going. Luckily they had a huge force transferring from up above. I would pity them if they lived. The figures came out; 275 each. That added up to 550 lbs. Next up was Jessie. As her goliath legs rubbed against her, they produced static electricity, and she got a shock when she stepped on the scales. That made the scales vibrate violently. They were in writhing agony. When the first of it was over, the first was yet to come. The needles were very tired from their last journey, and now their marathons had to be repeated. They might have competed in a race the first time round, but not now. They finally both rested, panting for breath, on 275. Jessie was also 550 lbs. Finally Misty took her turn, hoping she wouldn’t be embarrassed enough to find she was the lightest here. The needles would have said “NO way!” had they not seen how melancholic she was. So they did their job, feeling for all the world like they were going up an other million flights of stairs. They almost fainted when they finally rested, both on (can you guess?) 275. And that made 550.

“We’re all the same!” they wailed. Jessie was the angriest. Her use of two scales had made her feel special, and she had wanted to hold the title of fattest lady in Goldenrod. With two people (at least) as her equal, she knew she had to put things right.

“Let’s weigh ourselves again at the end of the week- it’s a race to see who can gain the most!” she suggested. And that was decided upon.

For the rest of the week, they all ate like they had NEVER eaten before. For the first time in her obese career, eating brought pain to Misty. But it was worth it to be heaviest. As I have already explained she was proud of her weight, and although she was not interested in the prize, she was interested in keeping a sense of uniqueness. But it wasn’t just her who found her self in pain: so did Jessie and Joy. They both eventually met with the feeling that they genuinely couldn’t eat an other crumb, and that meant they had to take breaks to digest. These were not recognised by Misty, however, who never gave up when it came to eating. Fortunately Jessie made her own food and it could be as fattening as she wanted, which accelerated the weight gain, and Joy had the incentive that she could lose the love of her life if she didn’t win. Every pound could make a difference. It was a race against both time and gravity. All three girls ended up taking off all their clothes, even their underpants, to maximise how much space they could use for holding their meals. Ash, Colin and James profited from this. Well, maybe not James (he’s not exactly heterosexual).

Hence some of Ash’s interesting points of view!

A week later, everyone was there to find out who was the fattest person in the city. There certainly was no man to hold claim to the title. Jessie brought out her scales in to the open in Big Fat Mama’s for all the world to see. The press was there and everything. They even had an independent judicator to check the weights. The only consolation for the needles was the good exercise it gave them, which these girls obviously didn’t get.

First up was Jessie. This time, she almost died from the electric shock as her ballooned legs rubbed together. You wouldn’t think that would be enough because fat is an excellent electrical insulator. However I’m here only to tell the story, not to discuss whether this violates the Laws of Physics. Jessie couldn’t believe how much she had put on, and was very pleased.

“3-0-0 plus 3-0-0 gives 6-0-0. Six hundred,” said the judicator.

Then came Joy.

“3-0-0 plus 3-0-0 gives 6-0-0. Six hundred,”

Then came Misty.

“3-0-0 plus 3-0-0 gives 6-0-0. Six hundred. It’s a three-way tie, as I am informed it was a week ago, at 550 a piece.”

Everyone was quite taken aback. Were they to go through it all again?

“Well,” said Colin (and to this day Ash does not fully understand how he came into things), “if you had an eating contest right now, that would resolve the situation!”

Guess what happened next…

How apt that they were actually in Big Fat Mama’s when the necessary course of action became apparent. The supplies were all set out in a matter of minutes, for they were available in vast quantity. Round after round passed on. Speed was not of the essence, and the event took hours. They had both had a lot of practice, so to speak, during the preceding week. But Jessie’s stomach was getting tired of all this. Of course all of their stomachs were. But in the case of Jessie, something unusual was about to happen. You see about a day before Jessie had been moaning at James for not bringing her much food.

“There’s nothing left that’s not expired!”

“Do you think I care about that?”

If you’ve veer seen that episode of The Simpsons where Apu gets fired for selling expire meat to Homer, you’ll know what happened to Jessie. It takes a while for bad food to affect you in the intestines, but this was just not a convenient time for her.

“Stomach churning… Bowels clenching… Not much time… Must beat!” she wailed. But it wasn’t enough. Food poisoning got the better of Big Fat Mama (as she had come to be known).

Now it was up to Joy and Misty. They finished the steak, and then began on the ice cream. What Joy didn’t know you would think couldn’t hurt her, but in this case it did, because what she didn’t know was that against Misty when it came to eating ice cream she was as doomed as doomed can be. A huge torrent of ice cream flowed into both bellies, but there is a belief that Misty had a second stomach of infinite capacity solely for ice cream. Joy quickly realised she was slowing down. She had previously been eating four pints a minute, which was almost as fast as Misty (she was going at five). But now she could barely go at half that speed. Misty if anything was only getting faster. She had ingested twenty gallons of ice cream, unlike Joy’s twelve. They had both finished their sixteen-pound steak, unlike Jessie. Misty had almost reached her top speed, which was a gallon a minute; but before she reached this, Joy gave up. It was twelve and a half gallons to twenty-seven and a half. The end had come.

Misty came up from the ground (she of course broke any chair on which she sat) on which she had been seated. She came up to Ash, but before she got there Colin met her. She explained to him that she was interested in Ash. Okay, so she just dumped him. The point is that Colin and Joy were back together, and although Ash had never found out exactly what had happened, our knowledge of what such discovery could cause makes the story seem to have turned out in the most Utopian way imaginable. Soon afterwards, Joy Senior surprised every medic in Johto, when she made a full recovery, and could finally leave Ecruteak City hospital. Joy was very happy. Her weight gain continued.

So did that of Misty. She and her friends continued to tour the pokémon world, but she realised that there was more to life than restaurant managers who were stupid enough to let her take them up on such offers as “all you can eat”. That is why she made a very sensible decision. She let Ash choose their destinations- based on how appropriate they were for training. But her weight gain still persisted despite the setback, and she certainly didn’t fall behind Joy or Jessie.

As for Team Rocket, they went back to following “the twerps” (which would be a rather appropriate name for some of the modern music bands).

“But why?” asked Meowth.

“I’ve lost my pride and self-esteem,” she replied, but neither James nor Meowth would buy it.

“Okay, the boss found us!”